i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
