Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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