I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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