Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
