Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it