Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
