Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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