Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
worst night to have a conscience
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
