I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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