I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
