Swine flu. Run for my life!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
