two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
