I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I cut my penus on the lid.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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