it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
