You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
