so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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