My hand turned me down
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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