I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
