weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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