Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
