I wannas sexs uuuuu
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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