How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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