Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
