i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
