you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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