There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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