he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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