I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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