i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
