I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
