i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
