What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
