i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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