Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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