his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
my liver is dry heaving
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
