It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
