I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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