I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
