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I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
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