Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
