ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He passed out mid-signature
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
