wakey wakey hands off snakey
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
