where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize