I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He shit in the fireplace
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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