There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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