Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
