really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
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I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
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I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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