ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
