I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
