dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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