she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
