So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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