Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
