Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
