It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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