he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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