the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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