I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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