Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
