those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
