My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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