I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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