How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
bring money and cleavage
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
