I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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